Remembering Hil

Oh, where to start… perhaps with the basics..

Hilary Ross was my Great Aunt — my Mom’s father’s sister.. She died on December 13, 2012… she was 90.  She was an Episcopal Nun and when her convent dissolved she went to grad school for English.  She later became an English professor at Madison Area Technical College.  By the time I knew her well, she was retired and living with her feline companions in Madison.  She had an amazing group of local friends who found her company delightful and thought-provoking.. and she’ll be missed by all of us, whether or not we share DNA..

The basics just don’t do her justice.  Hil was, to the end, thoughtful, witty, strong-willed, and sarcastic.  She was interested in the world around her, read the New York Times daily and nothing important got past her.

I’m not sure where to begin telling my favorite Hil story — and I’m guessing that I’ll post more than one as time goes along.  Maybe I’ll start with a week that Pam and I spent with her in Madison one summer…

We were pretty young, maybe 10 and 13, or even younger.  Hil was energetic and unlike any adults we knew — On that trip she taught us how to play Gin Rummy at her curvy 1960s kitchen table — and she didn’t pull any punches because she was playing with kids… so, being shrewd, she usually won.

Maybe the most memorable bit about that trip was the ear-piercing.  We’d asked our mom if we could get our ears pierced.  Mom — being sensible — said no.  Then, one magic day, Hil asked us what we wanted to do and (I’m guessing) Pam mentioned getting our ears pierced.  Hil thought it was a grand idea and we were off to the mall…

A couple of hours later we had gold studs in our ears and thought we were pretty special… then, and only then, did Hil realize that mom may not be too thrilled with the status of our ears… Hil hadn’t thought to call mom to ask if it was ok… we just did it.  That may have been my first experience with the “it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission” school of thought..

 

What we say about ourselves….

 

A friend on facebook posted a link to an article about fashion models and their working conditions… and it got me thinking.. about what we say about ourselves.

I’ve recently heard a beautiful friend of mine complaining that she has wrinkles etc.. she’s quite attractive, but she’s also over 40 and has some lines on her face.  She’s kind, funny, and sometimes a little absent minded — and she’s a wonderful person who makes an honest effort every day to make the world a better place.  In short, she’s a beautiful human being inside and out — She’d never criticize anybody else the way she criticizes herself.

That’s what really made me think about womens’ expectations.  She communicates her internalized ideals of beauty every time she criticizes herself for not meeting them.  The thing is, those ideals are simply not realistic.  When we age, things sag — I’ll be 44 next weekend, I know a bit about sagging.

If we, as women, are serious about changing society’s expectations that we all be walking clothes racks with perfect faces, 160 IQs, a challenging job that is also rewarding and well paid, and the perfect set of kids and a devoted spouse, we need to start with ourselves.  We need to stop criticizing how we look, we need to stop talking down how our lives are going and we need to start appreciating who and where we are in our lives.

Nobody has enough money, nobody is the “perfect” body shape, nobody has “perfect” kids and a “perfect” spouse — why do we expect that we need those things to be satisfied with who we are?

What we say about ourselves matters, to the people who love us, to the daughters who learn from us and to ourselves because it reinforces the negative things we think…

I’ve been thinking about this since my “Of Scars” photo shoot..

 

That’s me… the Of Scars folks don’t use photoshop to “fix” our images… that’s how I looked that day — without a shirt on.  It’s me, all of mea and I’m beautiful…. or, at least not ugly — and I know I’m smart and brave.  I know I’m a loyal person who tries hard to do the right thing and to be a good person.

 

That’s my mom… If, in 26 years, I can be as wonderful as she is… I’ll be blessed.

Try, just for today — to avoid saying negative things about yourself.

Why eat more soy??

 

Andy and I have been eating more soy and other healthy things… it’s been a week and, so far, so good..

We decided we needed to be more healthy — and, that we didn’t need to contribute any more to the environmental problems caused by commercial production of meat.. so, we’re mostly off it..

Andy has been a pretty healthy eater for a while now — he hardly eats anything sweet, although he does cook with plenty of fat and salt.. because, it makes stuff taste good..

A while back we reduced our carbs — no carb wraps instead of bread, for the most part, whole wheat products etc.. I mostly stopped drinking soda at home.. I’ll still drink it on occasion, but I’ve cut it down significantly.

Last week we went grocery shopping as an adventure — and bought organic tofu, silk, the least chemical-filled veggie burgers and other yummy stuff..

We discovered that our meals were just as satisfying and generally quite tasty — I won’t claim that our plan has been perfect — we’ve had a frozen pizza and some microwave popcorn for late night snacks — but, generally we’ve been eating healthy.  We agreed that it was kind of silly to expect a veggie burger to taste exactly like beef — rather, if it gives us the same general satisfaction without the negatives attached to red meat — and, it’s been working.

A few things we’ve learned so far — firm tofu needs to have the liquid squeezed out of it, then it can be marinated and stored for quick food.. I’ve known for a while that I like hardboiled eggs as a snack.. but, I’ve figured out that I like either tuna salad or egg salad with some lettuce on a low-carb wrap as a dinner.. it’s yummy.  We also bought the stuff for Mulligatawny Soup — and miso soup — which has worked well for a quick meal.

And — it’s worked, so far.. I’ve been feeling good — and lost another 3 pounds this week.

This week I bought more tofu, silk, greek yoghurt and a variety of fresh stuff… I’m also making iced tea to drink when coffee isn’t so tempting and ice water is too boring… I bought some black beans so we (Andy..) can try to make black bean burgers.

This week is also Thanksgiving, and I plan to eat a moderate amount of all the yummy stuff Andy’s family will have on the table.. because, this isn’t an absolute thing — instead, I think of it as soy is the default protein.. which works for me.

The Jungle song… by Andy…

Jungle Song

Andy sent this to me a couple of summers ago —

Last post about Madison…

I was on my way home from the UW pharmacy (it seems folks don’t get sick or need stuff on the weekend in Madison, at least according to Hil’s home health folks… hmmm) — Andy knew I was a bit stressy…. so, I get the following in a text:

A: “I think the mail carrier is having an affair with one of the girls across the street”

Me:  “Lol… I hope so..”

It wasn’t until we were on the way home that I found out that Andy didn’t know that Rochelle IS the mail carrier…

He knew that Lindsey and Rochelle live across the street, but he hadn’t met them yet.  He saw Rochelle deliver Hil’s mail and saw the mail truck parked across the street for a couple of hours… He put the two together and figured there was hanky-panky going on — when there was really domestic tranquility…

Oh, the excitement…

Things are calm and good for the moment… especially since Andy is here.. he really is (to quote Oliver, who always gets it right) the stable goat to my Seabiscuit.

This morning Hil told me she had chills — not something you want to hear from a 90 year old in poor health… She also had some blood in her catheter bag, and the combination was concerning.  After a phone discussion with the official Ross nurse (i.e. Mom), I called Hil’s home healthcare folks.. wanting to avoid a trip to the doctor’s office..

The home health nurse came over about noon, flushed the catheter, took her vitals — everything was about normal.  The nurse said that it was quite possible that a blood clot in the catheter could cause her to feel a chill — but, there were no other indications of an infection, so it wasn’t quite time to panic.  After discussing it with her clinic, Hil’s nurse came back to draw blood..

Pro-tip.. there is a white board on Hil’s refrigerator with the numbers for the home health folks.. they work weekends, will come out and do the first line of checking, blood draws, urine samples and the like.. they’ll take them to the clinic and get results back for you — and, generally, the doctors at the clinic can be persuaded to provide simple prescriptions over the phone..

While I’m on the subject of prescriptions – Medicine Shoppe will deliver and the one on Monona has Hil’s card on file.. If you call them, give them her Dean Rx number, she might have coverage… hmm..

The home health folks just called, and we need to keep an eye on her catheter bag, getting worse by tomorrow evening would be reason to go to the ER.. which, of course, we don’t want to do..

So, keep your fingers crossed, Hil wants rare roast beef for dinner tomorrow night… I’m hoping it won’t be from the hospital food service… sigh.

My last solo day in Madison…

… started early — like, 4 am early  — Hil needed a trip to the bathroom… after that excitement, I went back to sleep for a while, only to have a dream that we (Mom, myself, Emily and Shirley) were caring for my Grandpa Charlie and had somehow disconnected his catheter bag… and were fighting about it — the four of us never fight… I’m thinking  it may be time for me to go home… I’m glad mom will be here later…  I’m a philosopher, not a nurse…

Pro-tip of the day… prune juice, don’t forget it… because Hil won’t ask for it.. On a related note… the walker doesn’t fit into Hil’s bathroom — but, she can make it by using the sink and the washer/dryer… we figured out that it’s easier to get her pj pants up if she faces the dryer and you work from the side.. trust me on this one…

I’ve taken to hanging out in the living room when Hil says she wants to nap — the neighbors are kind of interesting — don’t be surprised to see Rochelle deliver the mail :)…

Also, Hil’s wifi has a secret password that isn’t on the document on her laptop — or, any variations of her name, or anything else… I don’t know  how to fix it.  Her ipad and computer work fine, but unless you get Lindsey to help you sort it out, your new computer can’t access her network… Brian and Linda’s works in the den… ask them for the password.

What’s new in Madison, you might ask??

Jim dropped by with treats for Hil — all kinds of yummy stuff to suck on :)…

When he was here, he said he mentioned the idea of a senior apartment or assisted living to her — and she didn’t freak out about it.  She also has a book with lots of the options by her chair, so she can look at it as she’d like.. Jim knows her well enough to drop an idea into conversation and leave it at that — let her think about it and make her own decision… no surprise there.

Susan sent two boxes of books for Hil to read — they’re on the coffee table in the den — if you visit,  you should check them out. There are lots of good titles..

Pro tip — Hil loves Culvers vanilla shakes… usually a small is enough for her.. to get to Culvers take Huxley down to Manley, go right on Manley until it hits Sherman (you can’t go any further on Manley) then right on Sherman and then left at the lights by the grocery store… it will be on your left.

Madison is a confusing town — don’t get lost :).

Generally, I’ve been doing pills, food and the nebulizer treatments together.. so, with breakfast, lunch and dinner she gets it all — then she can nap, read or whatever between times and we don’t have to worry about forgetting things.. She does an extra nebulizer treatment before bed..

Usually, breakfast starts at about 7 — lunch is in the noon range, dinner between 5 and 6ish and bed about 9 or 10…

Pro-tip 1 — give Hil your cell phone number and keep your phone handy when you’re upstairs or in the living room — that way, she can call you easily.. the system has worked well so far, but — remember to check her cordless phone on occasion, she’s not particularly good about hanging up.  The visiting nurse knows that if she calls for an appointment and gets a busy signal, she should just come by.. Also, leave a note on the front door and leave the door unlocked when you expect her, just in case you don’t hear the bell.

Pro tip 2 — the automated vital signs machine will talk to you at 9:00 AM… be ready… Hil will need to get up, move over to the machine and get on the scale attached to it.. then it will prompt her to put on a blood pressure cuff and a finger oxygen monitor — then it does it’s thing and asks a couple of yes/no questions and sends the information to her clinic.. after that, she’ll probably want a nap..

Also, Hil’s good friend Denise is now in hospice — Linda is with her and reports that Denise is comfortable today, resting with her cat by her side.. I hope Denise passes peacefully —

That’s all from Madison today — it’s a beautiful day here — the visiting nurse should be here soon, then lunch.  While Hil naps, I’m going to run out to the store for a couple of things…

What’s New with Hil, you might ask..

After the election excitement last night — and company all evening, you’d think she’d be exhausted — and, she was tired, but she did well today..

Linda stopped by this morning — with sad news about Hil’s long time friend Denise — Denise has had stomach cancer for a long time and has been moved to hospice.. the doctor is thinking days, not weeks at this point and Denise’s son is on his way into town tonight. 

Hil met Denise when Denise needed an English tutor — Hil says that they didn’t make much progress doing that, but they had a common love of playing cards (Hil taught me to play Gin Rummy as a child.. probably the same week she pierced my ears.. 🙂 ).  Denise came over to visit early this week and the visit was quite welcome and wonderful — I’m so glad Hil got a chance to see her dear friend..

After lunch, the girls from across the street came over to keep her company, so I went out for a couple of hours and didn’t have to worry about her.. it was very kind of them to do so..  They’re a fantastic couple and quite fun to be with — I know Hil enjoys their company…

Before I left, the social worker came over to introduce herself — she seems like she has a good handle on the services and options for Hil — She left information with us about housing options in case she needs to move someplace more supportive, meals and the like — and Hil seemed to be reassured to have the information and likely to order the equivalent of meals on wheels once her “staff” has returned to our day jobs..

While I was gone, the occupational therapist came in — at least an hour later than the appointment they made with Hil this morning… grr.. we gave up on her — But, the good news is that she got Hil up and around today — Also, an automated device was delivered and hooked up that will prompt Hil to have her vital signs taken and will automatically send them to her doctor… kind of a cool device.

It may be a stroke of genius putting it across the room –although, I think the placement was accidental — this way, Hil will have to get up to attend to that task… and getting up is a good thing..

Pro tip — the thing will go off at 9:00 AM every day and ask, in a creepy electronic voice, for her vitals.. don’t be scared the first time it does this..

Hil update 2 (aunt, not Clinton..)

We had a big day yesterday… a trip to the bathroom, fresh PJs and the decision that the couch is hard to get off of, so for the time being it’s the big red leather chair for Hil..

Also — that election thing… we had the girls from across the street over for dinner and election results — so, good company, good food and great news all around.

Mom booked her ticket to Madison — turns out there is a huge price difference between flying in on Sunday and flying in on Friday… so she chose Friday — which works for me :).  She’ll be in on Friday late afternoon, Andy will be down in the evening and I’ll go back to Minnesota with him on Sunday, so Mom can have her car here..

We also decided that I would take care of the house and Mom would spend Thanksgiving in Madison… good news all around, I think.

Today the OT person should come in, at some point… the social worker was a no-show yesterday… grrr… the girls from across the street will come hang out with Hil after lunch so I can go wander around Madison for a couple of hours without being concerned about Hil –she could stay alone, but I wouldn’t leave her just so I could get a break — and Hil enjoys their company.. so it’s all good.

In food news– here are the pro tips…

1) coffee.. if it’s normal coffee to you and I, it’s too strong for Hil, so some hot water in the cup first — then coffee will make her happy.

2) toast — watch it… the toaster oven works well, but start with the “light” setting and add time…

3) the eggs… I always start them first, put the eggs in the small cast iron pan, cover with water and turn on high… let them go for at least 25 minutes, then put the eggs in a bowl of ice/very cold water for just a little bit (a minute or two at most), they’ll be easy to peel this way… then, mash them up with some butter..

Put it all on a tray — in the cupboard by the fridge — she’ll send you back to the kitchen if you don’t have a tray :)…

Generally, she’s had an apple for lunch and a decent dinner… you’ll keep her happy if she has ice water, almonds and a Hershey bar with almonds by her side at night..

It took me a while to figure all of this out — there’s no reason you should have to sort it out on your own..